My Guide to Surviving Final Exams

Don't let this be you.

The time for final exams has come, and I cannot help but laugh as I watch overwhelmed students scurry to libraries and administer caffeine intravenously in the futile attempt of making up for a semester’s worth of slacking in a week. Below I have compiled a sure-fire guide to surviving final exams. Take heed.

1. Don’t worry about disappointing your parents with sub par grades. It just adds undue stress. Besides, they don’t love you anyway.

2. Take up drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. This not only increases your chances of passing your exams, but you look really cool studying in coffee shops while smoking and listening to your ipod.

3. Sleep? Who has the time? Alcohol relaxes the body and invigorates the mind just as effectively.

4. If your exam consists of more than 50 questions or is not multiple choice, don’t bother showing up. Fail the class, and cut your losses.

5. If your professor is a woman and you go to a liberal university such as my own, title your essay “My Struggle in a Male Dominated World,” regardless of the class, regardless of your gender. You’re guaranteed an A.

6. If you’re a freshman, exams are optional, regardless of what everyone tells you. So just head home early and don’t fret.

7. Become religious if you are not already. God loves hearing you whine about how hard your classes are; and how you’ve worked hard all year (read: skipped class and threw beer bottles at the homeless); and how you really need good grades because you want to go to med school; and how your teacher is really mean and you know you’re smarter than the 63% you’re currently pulling down.

8. If you need an instant stress reliever, reenact the scene from Office Space in a computer lab on campus.

9. You didn’t go to class so you have no notes to study. You never bought the book, so you cannot read. Don’t worry; feel liberated. This will be the easiest test you’ve ever had to study for by default.

10. Subscribe to the theory of preemptive attack. Drop out before you fail out.

I hope you find this guide helpful. It may not improve your study habits or overall wellbeing, but it won’t improve your grades either. Wait…