I Visit the Nation's Capital, Leave it Tainted

I visited Washington, DC this past weekend. It got off to a rather dubious start, as I was stopped, harassed and searched because I had a corkscrew in my shaving bag. What’s the big deal? I never know when I’m going to need that valuable resource; however, it led to the National Security Threat Level being raised to red upon me setting foot in DC. Typical…

I stayed with a friend of mine and went out drinking with him and a few girls. Somewhere after double digits, I proclaimed that I would vomit later that evening. My “one last drink” was a red bull and vodka. It was served to me in a pint glass. 8oz of Red Bull, about 6oz of vodka, and ice. Only $5 for that heart stopping monstrosity of heavenly goodness. I’ll pause while you all rush to buy a plane ticket to DC…

In usual fashion, my prophesy came true and I vomited all over these girl’s bathroom. I had been introduced to them 3 hours prior. I never was one for good first impressions.

The next day while doing some sight seeing, I noted that the Washington Monument is probably the largest phallic representation anywhere. God Bless America. Minutes later, I fell headlong into the 10th anniversary of the Million Man March. Wow. It was powerful stuff, and I was honored to be there, regardless of the fact that my dumb self stumbled unknowingly into its midst. Several people glared at us, the only white people in a crowd estimated at 300,000. We were even interviewed by some progressive think-tank organization. What follows is a transcript of the interview.

Her: So… What brings you folks here? Hell, do you even know where you are?
Me: Yeah, we’re participating in an important movement for the African American community and for people as a whole.
Her: You do realize you are white?
Me: …I guess that explains why I can’t dance.
Her: Usually when you see three white people in a crowd of blacks it’s called apartheid.
Me: We gotta go.

Oh well, I was happy to be there.

That night we went to Bricksellers, a bar boasting over 900 different beers. After consuming several delightful draughts, I became disappointed at the messy, hazy typing on the beer menu. It’s odd I hadn’t noticed it earlier in the evening.

All in all, DC is a great place, and I had a great trip. It’s just unfortunate that all my vacations lead to me needing a vacation. And organ replacement surgery. And a lawyer.